Dear Twenty-twenty

The Room on the North Corner
On the bed where a tiny cat sits
Los Angeles
3 January 2020

The Spinning Earth
Among the spiral-galaxy
A distance away from the black hole
The universe

Dear Twenty-twenty,

We’ve known each other for a few days now but I thought it best to formally introduce ourselves to one another. We met each other slowly, ringing in the year and decade with a sly wink over clinking champagne glasses and a kiss on the sofa. I will be honest and say that your arrival has felt sudden, even though new years have always made their introductions at this time of year, at least for as long as I’ve been alive. So it shouldn’t have been a surprise to see the calendar change over. And yet, filling in my new planner yesterday for the year ahead, it was a bit of a surprise to write 2020 at the top of the page, and even more startling to write 2021 at the end of the calendar. I can’t say I’m prepared for your successor but at least we have over three hundred days to get used to the idea together. Do you ever find yourself growing sad that your time must come to end as well? No, I can’t say that thought is at the top of your mind right now as you just arrived and are here to party, reorganize, and get settled into your new surroundings. Thank you for a few quiet days before the routines need to be reestablished. I’m quite enjoying not having to do anything in particular though I know this will change in the next few days. If you’ll indulge me, I would like to take a moment to reflect on the past decade. I hope you won’t mind a little reflection and sentimentality.

After filling ourselves with bagels over conversations with friends, watching a squirrel attempt to climb up a set of stairs with a whole baguette in his mouth (the type of energy we could all use this year), and pulling a few freshly ripened lemons off their branches, Mr H and I found ourselves on the couch watching The Big Fat Quiz of the Year, a favorite activity of mine to do each year. Though I seriously missed David Mitchell. A cheese board snack board was close by as was a pot of Jin Jun Mei black tea brewed in the new glass teapot and served in my favorite mug. H had picked up this tea years before from the tea man in San Francisco and I had only recently rediscovered it a few weeks back while sorting through the cabinet. It is my goal to drink the majority of the tea we have so I can buy new varieties to try. I will admit it has gotten a bit out of hand though we do drink it all day, every day, in case that’s some kind of validation. On that day, this tea happened to appear in Infused as I was reading and I was more surprised to have it in front of me as apparently it is a rarer variety. It has a sense of depth to it with its golden leaves that don’t grow bitter. It was a surprise and made an excellent cup, so it seemed like the right opening to the year.

This past decade has seen so much that it’s hard for me to put the experiences into words or reflect on it all. I started 2010 as a newly twenty-year old in my sophomore year of college and ended it as a newly thirty-year old. Those first two years saw me graduate from college with a double degree/double major and summa cum laude. It saw me make films in 16mm about light and art, attempt to make sense of Sylvia Plath’s poems which ultimately lost me a thesis advisor, pull a few true all-nighters like the night I finished my thesis and then flew to California to look at grad schools. It saw so many moments at my desk studying and breaks at Cosmo’s for a slice with a side of ranch (I know, I know but it was a specialty and it was spicy) or a starving student special at the Dark Horse. It saw a few house parties and adventures around Boulder with friends, and even witnessed me getting too lofty one night walking home with a friend as we talked about the universe and our place in it. I then promptly fell down a muddy hill with my Norton Anthology of Poetry in my hands, which still holds the mud from that night across its pages. I love it all the more because of that. It had been out that day because of a Dylan Thomas poem and a photograph session with a borrowed Pentax K-1000. There were many library days and classes in science, literature, film theory; blueberry bagels eaten with Darjeeling tea at the Laughing Goat, and finding my perfect study cafe in my senior year only to be able to enjoy it for one semester. Tea was $1 and there was a wooden bar that snaked around the shop. I lived in Maine for a summer and ate my first lobster. I also painted many picnic tables and stared in a French short film for my class. I wore the shoes from that film during most of my time at CAA until I mysterious lost one shoe.

Then there was the milestone of Cambridge which remains so near and dear to my heart and who I’ve become. I think this moment is one of those big moments in life. Part of this experience inspired the poetry and play I wrote after which is what helped me get into grad school, and some of the people who filled that time are still good friends. Sometimes it is baffling to think about the room I shared with the spiders at King’s, the daily coffee shop I would visit and the pub that knew my regular order before I said anything, the night of the cider and the Shakespeare final the next day, Gardie’s and eating chips on the wall, the Natalie Portman rap and Childish Gambino songs in the lofted room, sitting in punts but going nowhere. That streets and buildings around the world could become so familiar. I took the train to London on many occasions and began to know the city as if it were my own, and then continued to travel back to discover new corners. Many bookshops remain favorites. And a pint of cold Aspall’s is still one of the best things around. It was really something to return five years later and be able to share it with H while we talked to the friendly ghosts who passed by each corner. Who knew that Virginia Woolf would still be walking across the quad all these years later? This was where she and I were formally introduced.

Twenty-twenty, you’ll know how time works where it feels like moments are expanded and others are compacted. It doesn’t feel like that much time has passed and yet here we are on the brink of another new freshly printed ten years. What has been your favorite memory so far?

There were goodbyes to family and friends that I wished I’d had more time with. Oh the things I would want to talk about now. There were moments of heartbreak and falling in love and growing that love. There were the moments after graduating college, part of it in the rain, where I lived through a forest fire and found a new desk. I moved to Los Angeles without knowing anyone to attend grad school, and almost wanted to turn back after arriving two days later. This turned out to be another pinnacle moment. I learned new skills and I unlearned the things I thought I knew. Met people who would become key figures in my life and lifelong friends. I would write some of my favorite works and once be compared to James Joyce. We graduated in fancy robes on one very hot LA day and celebrated by bringing our families together for dinner. There was a period of unemployment and working at the Grove. I learned that a bookstore is indeed a fantastic place to work but not so great on the bank account and comfy shoes is an absolute must. A Tiny Cat was found, brought home, and slept behind the books. She was so small. I worked my way from an agency mailroom to being a tv assistant, started office tea parties, and once attended an Emmys party in a jumpsuit. I began working on my first show and received my first tv credits. Met and work alongside legends.

Then there’s been the food. Such amazing food that H and I have shared with each other, and filled our home with friends and meals, including some amazing hams inspired by Moon. There’s been Musso’s and Cole’s, taco stands, pints in Ireland which are like a meal, soup dumplings, Victoria sponges and Christmas cookies, katsu and ramen, grilled corn and veggies and onions, sandwiches, footlongs, pizza slices. New foods have been introduced into my life that have become favorites, as have some drinks like bourbon and whiskey. There have been trips to places that have become familiar like the streets of New York and the London Underground. I visited countless countries that I had only dreamed about and saw beautiful art, paintings, cathedrals, and people; saw spectacular concerts at historic locations, some of whom who are no longer here but whose songs bring back memories. There have been books read that have become part of me: Heat, 84, Charing Cross Road, Mrs. Dalloway, Kaddish, Ariel, the RSC’s Complete Works of Shakespeare, A Room of One’s Own, Matilda, Bird by Bird, The Amber Spyglass, The Priory, The Complete Poems of Elizabeth Bishop.

I’ve laughed, cried, cheered, rejoiced, talked for hours on the phone, answered thousands of emails, put myself out there while also having moments where fear got the better of me. There have been periods of exhaustion and robotic movements, of feeling small and insignificant. I’ve been encouraged and hoped I’ve encouraged others. I’ve pushed and been pushed outside of my introverted bubble though still enjoy moments to myself. I still write too much and the handwriting has gotten smaller. Sorry to anyone who needs a magnifying glass to read it. There have been amazing hugs, kisses, sunsets and sunrises, leaves and blooms of so much color, bad sunburns, Oxford shoes, boots for stomping, and a very excellent camel jacket. Subway tickets, receipts, playbills filling pockets, as well as Colin wrappers. Airplanes near and far to visit loved ones and pushing my trusty black suitcase to its limits. Though she’s still going strong. She may have another decade in her yet. Squeezes while doing the dishes, nightly Jeopardy where sometimes the answers are shouted and other times they’re only thought. Borrowed cashmere sweaters and cat purrs.

There has been so much change in these ten years. So many moments that have made me the woman I am today, so many people that have helped to get me here, so much love and joy, and also goodbyes. There’s so much to be thankful for and so much to look forward to. I’m hard on myself when it comes to meeting the expectations I’ve placed on myself and my journey, not always stopping to take stock of what I have accomplished and where I’ve grown, instead usually focusing on the things I haven’t quite done yet by whatever age I thought it should be done. I have learned to be less of a planner than I used to be. Not sure me of the past would understand but she will. I hope to do less of that over the years and not compare my journey to others, though that is difficult at times, and sometimes infuriatting. It’s something I’m working on. Here’s to appreciating the years that got me here, the changes that have been made, the goals that have been met, and then push to reach those new heights. I’ve got some plans in store for you Twenty-twenty, and I do hope I’ll make some fireworks. When the summer heat starts to shine again through the windows, I might need some words of encouragement to push me along and remind me of all this.

I hope we have a good year together and don’t end up dwelling too much on what hasn’t been done yet but instead work on taking tiny steps to what we can do. I should probably start doing some of this today, even though doing something else seems more tempting. Maybe this will be the year where procrastination is not prominent. Is that possible? I guess we’ll see.

xx

Cheers,
lb